This love has taken its toll

2006-03-10T09:33:00.000-08:00

sometimes i just want to hibernate somewhere by myself and not have contact with any humans. perhaps then this restlessness in me would cease.

i feel...i feel...many things. feelings that cannot be described in words nor actions.

am i a bad person?

will i be condemned in hell? will i burn forever in hell's raging fires?

*sigh*

morose thoughts.

starting my undergraduate course tomorrow. i must do well. i must get 1st upper class honours.

then i can thumb my nose at those detractors! *nyeh-heh*

i wish i knew how to live life fully. i feel that i'm only doing and thinking abt things with a small percentage of me. the other large percentage is sleeping and does not want to be awoken.

perhaps i should take up a sport. then it might make me more healthy? haha.

i wonder why the atmosphere at my lab feels so toxic now.

2006-01-13T20:20:00.000-08:00

it's been a few months at NUH. Life's going pretty smoothly though not exactly to my liking.

Whoever said life was wrought with difficult roads were dead on the spot, man.

I am kinda bored. i seem to do pretty much the same things every day. Eat, sleep n go to work.

:(

anyway, nothing much else to update.

random thoughts

2005-09-28T00:43:00.000-07:00

didn't feel like blogging for a long time.

now i juz feel like unloading all my thoughts.

sometimes i cannot figure out why i have to fight or why i bother so much to make people approve of me.

sad case huh?

i hate politics.

did i mention that i hate politics?

damn it.

the stupid politics is now affecting my job.

i really suspect that it has travelled to the higher authorities.

i got screamed at for no reason that day by the chief.

damn it.

what i shall do from now is keep quiet and do my work.

dun talk to people already.

i mean, what harm did i do to them?

i never participate in any of the rumour mongering they delight in brewing and i have never opened my mouth to bad-mouth any one of them.

f*** it lah.

i saw v that day on my way home. recalled all the half-baked things we did as a group.

was nice while it lasted i suppose.

i felt so *eurgh*. i mean i have put on weight since then and i dun think i'm that pretty. so i must have looked horrendous and so changed but she said i looked the same. what a nice girl. still as tactful as last time.

i know i must do something abt my weight but i keep putting it off.

maybe i should do a fann wong and pop some xando pills.

i'm afraid it might kill my liver, though.

so...i shall stay fat.

haha.

he keeps telling me i'm not but i know better rite? rite.

i really feel like i'm stuck in a rut.

a lot of friends i know are in the process of getting their degrees or getting one.

here i am, working and managing my own finances and worrying abt how to sustain my family once my sis gets married.

i didn't ask to be born.

when i told my mum that i plan to get my degree part tiem, she said you have money for your future wedding?

i told her, mum, that one is later. the degree is impt cos i need it to improve my job position and my salary as well.

she gave me a dissatisfied face and told me to do whatever i like cos i dun listen to her anyway.

sigh.

i mean seriously, i could juz move out of this house and do what i like but i respect you and stay in this house and this is what you do to me?

*shakes head*

i could just tear out my hair.

i think my sis has a bf but she has not told me anything.

it hurts to realise that sometimes all she needs me for is for her own needs. when i have no use for her, i'm cast aside. probably to her, i'm not cool enough.

depressed thoughts.

why can't i partake in your happiness and sadness as well?

why do you cast me aside as if i'm a third person?

do i not matter?

am i that unimportant?

disappointments ahead...pls avoid. thank you.

2005-05-09T20:58:00.000-07:00

I was very moody today. I can't believe that she sold me out in that manner.

And to think that I believed in her.

And I defended her to him. He told me, "I don't trust her. Be careful"

I didn't listen.

My heart wrenched itself.

What a hypocrite.

My anger is lost now.

What else can I do?

She will be justly punished.

Soon.

Who am I to judge?

But how dare she ensnare me in this web she spun?

Poor baby...sniff

2005-04-14T18:21:00.000-07:00

*sniff* my nose is not feeling too good. Got 2 days' MC . wahaha....My supervisor told me that the staff clinic's doctor is very generous with her MCs... well... I don't mind. *winkz*

I left work early yesterday cos I was having a really bad pounding headache and I kept feeling like I was going to faint. Slept for a long time yesterday and today as well. The medicine is really so strong that it makes me super sleepy after taking it.

I like my job @ NUH.

Dunno what else to write...so bye for now!

lazy day @ home

2005-03-25T20:03:00.000-08:00

well, well... 3 weeks has passed since I started work @ NUH. Work has been going fine and dandy. I get mostly good reviews abt how I do work. That's good I suppose. Will help to better cement my confirmation. :)

Does love for a person change?

I wonder. I still do love him but sometimes this love frustrates me. It seems to have no specific destination.

I think and worry too much, I think.

Sometimes, I wish for an all-consuming love that will consume my entire being. But if you think abt it, it will certainly destroy me totally if it went wrong, right?

I definitely think too much.

Let's end this morose entry with a joke I received through e-mail.

4 husbands were sitting at the waiting room in a hospital waiting for their wives to give birth. Soon, a nurse came out from the delivery room and told the first daddy: "Congratulations, you've twins!". "Oh!..... maybe it's just a coincidence" said the daddy, as I'm working at the Petronas Twin Towers". Then another nurse came out of the room and told the second daddy: "Congratulations, you've triplets!"
"Wooow!, this is a coincidence,too" said the second daddy.
"I am working for 3M Corporation".
A while later, another nurse appeared and told the third daddy:
"Congratulations! your wife got quadruplets"
"Thanks God. Perhaps this is also a coincidence".
"I work at Four Seasons Hotel!".
Meanwhile, the fourth daddy-to-be was becoming very worried.
All the 3 daddies asked him: "Why do you look so worried?".
He answered, "I work at Seven-Eleven!"

wahaha...

work,work and more work

2005-03-13T15:51:00.000-08:00

Hope you all didn't miss me...haha.

I've just started work @ NUH. It is not bad. That's the only comment I can give now cos it's too early to give a proper, unbiased comment.

It is quite annoying to be at a lab and not have a permanent mentor to teach you. But I'm lucky in the sense that I have a cute guy teaching me...hehe...*giggles* Too bad he's married. Haha. *sigh* Why are filippino guys so cute?? haha...

The lab @ NUH is a healthy mixture of all races and that makes me glad. It is quite awkward to be among a bunch of people and not have anything to contribute to the conversation cos you don't know what they're talking about. Now, they only talk in english and it is easy for me. Hehe...

Got lots to remember and I am so eager to learn more! My brain is clamouring for more info and it keeps working overtime. He says that I look more happier here and he's right. Playing with shit, urine and blood is more my forte than playing with the computer. *grinz*

I still need to finish my 3 books... hehe.

Bye, dearies!

lucky me!

2005-02-09T19:14:00.000-08:00

guess what?! I was at the front seat for the little appearance that Taufik made @ SP! Together with Ann, of course. You don't expect me to go alone do ya?

I was mighty pissed and disappointed. Those spotty teenagers kept stepping on my toes and made me partially deaf by hollering his name every few seconds...I mean, gee, do you think he might invite you onstage just because you screamed his name? *rolls eyes*

Ann could see that I was really put off...and I'm sorry about that, Girl...I tried to share your enthusiasm but I'm sorry. I'm not that a big fan.

Anyway, there were 4(i think) performances by the different CCAs and woah...most of them were good. I especially was partial towards the spirited banging of the drums by the something(i can't remember the name lah!) drums club and the highly energetic dance by the indian cultural people. The indian cultural people danced to one of my all-time favourite songs...made me so delighted. :)

Ann got lucky though. An auntie we were talking to earlier got an autographed poster from Taufik(her son got it..) and passed it to Ann cos her son didn't want it. Ann stood there clutching it in disbelief and turned to me with wide eyes. I was happy for her cos I know she deserved it. That was a good stroke of luck!

I made Ann follow me to a friend's birthday party at a chalet. Have you ever felt that something bad was going to happen but you still went ahead and the bad something happened and you were left chastising yourself? Well, that's what happened to me. I knew I shouldn't have gone cos it'll be the cool crowd there and I wouldn't know anyone except the birthday girl and it'll be damn awkward. And of course, it was. I left after abt 15 mins. No offense to the birthday girl.

Well, I gotta go now.

Happy CNY and enjoy the holidays everyone!

of friends lost and found...

2005-01-17T00:22:00.000-08:00

i was musing about a good friend I had back in secondary school.

We were really close and I knew her family pretty well. Her mum and little sis were especially fond of me, to the extent that her mum would always buy me food or other little stuff whenever I visited her house.

I miss that. Unfortunately our friendship was left in ruins by a careless,selfish act of mine. I still regret what I did. There's not a day that goes by that I wish that I could turn back time and take back what I did.

But well, what's done is done.It cannot be undone.

I recently gathered up my courage and sms-ed her. Her reply, not surprisingly, was cold and impersonal. I guess my act was that unforgettable and unforgivable.

It is too late to salvage that friendship.

However, I found a primary school friend who was quite close with me. I was damn surprised to see her at long john's,Tampines on saturday as I heard she had moved to Jurong.

She looked as gorgeous as ever. I felt the old jealously flare up as I sized up her trim,lithe body and her oh-so long and straight hair.

I had to forcibly remind myself that I was no longer the fat kid in primary school and I am going to rebond my hair...*soon*

Yet,my jealously took a back seat as I pondered on why she looked older and more haggard.

I should call and talk to her. Preferably soon.

I admit. I am not a good friend.

I have a strange aversion to calling friends up out of the blue.

I really would prefer it if they called me instead.

Sometimes, I really wonder whether I have a stone heart.(btw, that's what he called me once...)

I have problems expressing the right emotions sometimes.

For example, the girls in my class cried on the last day of PSLE papers. I felt strangely detached from the scene and shed not a single tear. My friend asked me,"Are you not sad? Why are you not crying?" I was like, I dunno. I didn't feel a thing.

That's weird eh?

Well, that's me and I guess I won't change unless I'm sponsered by some rich person to see a nice famous psychiatrist.

Ha ha.

I doubt that will happen.

I am a curiously morbid and dark person at heart for someone who loves to laugh.

I am truly a weirdo.

Haha.

Well, anyway, I have an interview at NUH this wednesday and hopefully, it's a good job and I get it. But the bloody annoying thing is that it's so bloody far away in Boon Lay.

Damn.

I was watching the news on SunTV just now about this bunch of stupid, ignorant Indian guys who were trying to tame a bull for the "Pongal" festival thingy. It was really idiotic of them to try to tame the bull. 5 people were killed and scores more were injured in the resulting melee.

I really feel for the bull though. Can you imagine how it feels? First of all, I don't think they even feed it well enough, cos it was all skin and bones. Next, they throw themselves at the bull, and pull its tail. You tell me you won't be angry if someone repeatedly pulled on your hair and kept trying to push you to the ground?

Someone report this to the India's SPCA please.

I was lent this pirated VCD(*shhh*) by a colleague and really unfortunately, my computer was unable to read it.

Damn it.

And I was so looking forward for a few hours of mindless fun.

It was Ann's birthday on saturday and me and nora went to have lunch with her and catch a movie after that.

We got her a bouquet of flowers.

The movie caught me unawares though, with its theme of dance.

I am quite ashamed to admit that I thought Richard Gere was cute.*bows head in shame and embarrassment* But He DID look so darned cute when he smiled with real pleasure.

Nora was pretty envious of J Lo's abs and kept pestering KS later on to tell her what's the secret to obtaining them.

Eating at haig road was a..well, how do I put this? a good culinary experience? I ordered pineapple rice(I always seem to eat that from thai cuisine places..*smacks head*) and it was so-so. I was pretty disappointed that there wasn't much pineapples in it. I mean, the main reason why I order pineapple rice is cos of the pineapple cubes. I can console myself that it is at least a little healthy.(alright. you can stop sniggering now.) The iced lychee, on the other hand, was superb, though the kiwi on it turned me off a little as they looked like tiny frog eggs...*shudder*

Went home with a distended tummy around 10 plus.

On my way home from the station, I was thinking that I have a certain degree of fondness for KS. We bully each other like mad but we also comfort each other when things go wrong.
He was the first to ask me to slow dance with him during the prom. Don't read anything wrong into it! He is like one of my another little brother that I have accumulated over the years. haha. I myself dunno how many i have.

well, anyway, it's 12.21am now and I gotta catch some forty winks. If not, I will sleep at work tomorrow and that's sooo not good.

Bye!!!

**

2005-01-09T15:25:00.000-08:00

Feeling pretty envious and low today.

A friend that I knew back in secondary school has gone on to do her PhD. I wish that I had the money and the freedom to pursue what I want.

I am still stuck in a job that I do not really like and I still haven't gotten any calls from those potential employers. CALL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But...I have cause for a little celebration cos I am starting yoga next week, courtesy of my company. Which equals to me losing some weight and looking less like the Goodyear blimp. *yay!*

My hair is still scraggly and weird from my last hair cut.*grr* The stupid woman was watching some cheena drama serial and cutting my hair. Damn it. I'm never going to her again. I'm wondering whether I should simply rebond my hair and be done with it. I am quite tired of thinking and re-thinking whether I should waste that amount of money on my hair. What do you think? Leave me a comment. Thanks.

I am going to go play some games now. At least that will distract me from boredom and this pathethic feeling.

buaiz!

Happy New Year! grinz

2005-01-01T14:05:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year, everyone! May your year be filled with happiness and good stuff!

Right now, I'm at home(like, duh) and I'm going to vegetate in front of the tv again. But that's okay cos I'm kinda sick and tired of going out.

Anyway, this is going to be short cos I'm going to watch a psycho movie now!

Hehe...catch up with you later!

I'm not perfect...neither are you

2004-12-19T02:11:00.000-08:00

I met my ex-colleague from StarHub and she looked totally shagged. When I quizzed her on the reason, she told me the various problems she's having. I felt bad for her then.

Things seem to be more worse now. I am glad that I didn't convert and stay on. I'm sure by now I would be a grouchy old woman. *thanks God*

I attended the Christmas party hosted by my company @ the Science Centre(of all the places in the world?!). It was very boring and I did nothing much other than drag my sis around to intro her to my colleagues.

*sigh*

As you can tell, I didn't have a great time.

The food was so-so, the entertainment was fine and the lucky draw prize for me was a juice extractor. Yes, you read right. A bloody Juice Extractor! What the hell can I do with that?

Anyway, I am tired now and I want to sleep before I turn into a nasty bitch.

Bye!

donated blood today...:)

2004-12-17T22:46:00.000-08:00

I am becoming a vile and horrible person. It's all thanks to my work.

I lose my temper, curse people unnecessarily and bang stuff around.

I don't like who I'm becoming.

I have to leave before I get more worse.

*sigh*

On a brighter note, I donated blood today.

I was extremely nervous and the air-con made it worse by turning my fingers clammy and cold.

Well, anyway I thought they won't let me donate as I had pierced my second ear holes only a few months ago. The doctor who examined me was so darn pretty that for a moment I was consumed by jealousy and envy. Well, anyway...

I was trying to calm my fraying nerves by shaking my feet and taking deep breaths.

Unfortunatly for me, this time round, the needle was not able to slide in properly and it caused me to panic badly. It was so freaking painful and tears automatically started leaking from my eyes. The feeling of the needle going in was so horrible.

On the up side, I managed to fill a bag in 4 min 37 secs. What a record! The last few times(which was only 2 lah) was at least 10 mins. The nurse had to keep reminding me to keep on pumping the ball(doesn't that sound funny?).

Oh, they gave me a cute bandage thingy with big smiley faces on it. I felt like a dork but no choice eh? If not, I can't stench the blood.

Not only does my arm hurt badly now, I nearly fainted twice, First was after they finished and they raised my legs higher to stop me from fainting. Second was when I was waiting for the bus and I took off the bandage thingy. The blood had not stopped flowing and I felt all the blood in my head rushing downwards. Ooooh, it was not nice at all. I quickly sat down and made my head hang. I felt a little better after that.

*sigh*

I'm definitely bringing someone with me the next time so that I won't be feeling so vulnerable and fainty.

Well, I'll blog tomorrow about how my company's christmas party went.

Tata!

I miss u...

2004-12-12T00:02:00.000-08:00

I miss him. he's so busy with his school stuff and work.

I know I'm not supposed to bother him and call him at all sorts of time.

I feel hurt when he does not respond properly.

I try to understand but it still hurts.

I'm occupying my time with other stuff. But it still sucks.

On a brighter note, I did threading to shape my unruly eyebrows... It didn't hurt as bad as it did the last time and I didn't turn an alarming shade of red under my eyebrows.

Also, my little sis got her new hp and I got a chance to meet up with my former colleagues. They were so nice to me.... I miss them too but not the nasty customers. hehe...

After getting the new hp, my father, my little sis and myself went to little india to have lunch. It was definitely a different experience as I haven't eaten with my daddy outside for years.

It was nice.

I feel exhausted now.

I will be going to Sakura tomorrow with my former Year 1 classmates.

Hope it's ok. *crosses fingers*

Tata for now!

nostalgia lane...

2004-11-29T19:44:00.000-08:00

The past sunday(which was just yesterday), I visited 3 friends' houses...

It immediately threw me back to my poly days....which made my heart ache a little. Where have all the good times gone to?

I miss my good friends a lot. Pple like aud, nora n ann made my everyday life a little more easier to bear...

This is life eh? After poly, everyone scrambles to find a job(except the lucky few who managed to get into NUS or NTU or into those overseas unis) and before you know it....the year comes to an end and someone gets married...*arrrh!* that one is a little nightmarish and scary to think about...makes my blood curdle to even contemplate getting married at this age...(what?! i'm still young! i'm only 22!!!) can you imagine having a kid @ 22? *brrr* that's downright frightful....

You know what? I still can't believe that I was on attachment at the start of this year...That's right. This year. Seems like an eternity ago.

My mummy is sick and suddenly, I'm reminded of her mortality. She was lying prone on her bed for 2 days and got up just to eat a little food and medicine. It was unsettling to see the house devoid of its usual noises (eg. SunTV blaring in the background coupled with frying and giggling sounds) and the dynamo who keeps us going.

I was worried sick and took half a day off to keep my mummy company at home. At least she is now cracking silly jokes with me again. :)

I'm dreading work tomorrow. :( I bet that there would be an enormous amount of sales orders to invoice tomorrow. *sigh* And the sales people would keep on asking me stupid questions like did you deliver my order...blah blah blah. *bleah* Not to mention the customers themselves who would conveniently forget when they ordered their items and claim that they sent it in oh-so-long-ago. *snort* The actual fact would be that they ordered it just a little less than a week ago.

Oh well.

I need to do something for the money they pay me, right? Hehe...

Speaking of which, I must not forget to vote for Taufik on wednesday...Oh god, I really hope he wins! Call me biased or racist, but I totally look down my nose at Sylvester whose pronounciations suck and he basically is a clone of those sad Taiwan or whatever chinesey pop world. It's sad that he has to resort to such pathethic tactics to make himself more appealing. Also I would be sooooooo embarrassed if he were to represent Singapore in the world idol...Oh God, the mortification...

Oh, and did I mention that on my way to work, I saw a big poster asking pple to vote for Taufik at Singapore Poly's main building? Hehe... hopefully, SP does their part and hopefully, they do not have any simpering female Sylvester fans...

Okay, I gotta go now. I'll probably read a book or something to stave off boredom.

See ya!

whine today is a good day for whining

2004-11-20T01:03:00.000-08:00

I am so sick and tired of my workplace.

The people there are such ingrates. I slog like mad everyday to finish my work and what I get is angry stares and words.

I feel so unhappy and helpless.

I wish that somehow another job would fall into my lap...wishful thinking right?

*sigh*

I feel that I can go so far as to say that I hate my job. Yes, there are good sides to it. Eg. it's a 5-day work and I can't bring my work home.

On the other hand, there's no OT pay, customers demand delivery, the colleagues treat you like worthless gunk.

*sigh*

The friends who were with me have found the job that I'm coveting at the moment. Why don't they give me the job too? I have sent out countless resumes to different hospitals.

Why???

What have I done wrong?

*sigh*

Never mind, I will go and sleep and perhaps, tomorrow will be a better day.

on a date!!!weee....

2004-11-14T22:25:00.000-08:00

me n him are going on a date tomorrow.

a real proper date.

been a long time since i did that wif him.

*stares dreamily*

of course i had to tell my mum that i was meeting a good friend for a movie n lunch...*chuckles*

i better tuck myself in early.

tell u the details later!!!

tata!

Auspicious start

2004-11-14T01:44:00.000-08:00

Yo.

This is my first ever blog post.

Started on hari raya, no less.

As my mom would put it, it's a damn good auspicious start.

I'm bored to death @ home.

No visitors.

Visiting anyone's houses?

No idea.

It really rankles that I have practically no relatives to visit.

I'm going to grow fat eating all the food that my mom prepared.

Darn it.

Then how am i gonna fit into the baju kebaya that i had altered to fit me?

*sigh*

will i even get a chance to wear it?

*depressed*